Posts Tagged ‘poetry’
Hands up anyone who loves a good festival….. all hands up I see and I can’t say I’m surprised! The festival atmosphere simply has to be experienced first hand and this Sunday sees the launch of a brand-new dedicated comedy festival; ‘Belly Laughs’. This first time, 8 day festival will be taking place in a variety of venues all over Belfast. So what’s it all about? Well…
Not restricted to stand-up comedy, the festival strives to challenge, inspire and inform. Belly Laughs brings you poetry, magic, cabaret, workshops, seminars, club nights, book readings and events for children … in fact, anything with a humorous angle!
Naturally we had to share it with you!
And apparently this is what it needed to say this time -
Why do you think I’m too nice?
Perhaps I’m just trying to be fair,
Remain impartial to your b*llsh*t
And assess the night that I was there?
If you want me to rip you to shreds
Then you may want to search elsewhere
My intention will never be bitchiness
Instead I shall strive to take care
I’ve no interest in bad mouthing you
Even when you don’t personally appeal
If you perform on a night I’m reviewing
Then that night’s what my writing will reveal
So what if I don’t happen to like you
Or if I find you unbearably drole
I’m coming to see how the gig goes
And to assess if you played your role
Did the audience find you at all funny?
Did you make them laugh out loud?
Did the room all cheer and applaud?
Did you connect well with the crowd?
If you do any of these on the night
Then you certainly have played your part
And what I write will reflect your performance
Whether or not you take that to heart
But trust me, dear comedy purveyors
There will come a bad gig one day
And if I should happen to be there
Fear not I shall have my say!
Will I be bitchy? Not likely.
Instead I’ll stay fair and true
For integrity is important to me
Even if it isn’t to you….
Well, that was certainly a little more ranty than expected but sometimes it just needs to be said doesn’t it?
Here’s a random unrelated pics for giggles sake!! enjoy
In the interests of trying something different I found myself writing a poem,
I’m not sure how successful it is, though the verses do rhyme on their own.
I hope you enjoy my memoirs, from our weekend spent in Kilkenny,
And maybe next year you’ll come join us at this festival just for comedy?
The Cats Laughs Comedy Festival
Kilkenny was where it was at
On the June bank holiday weekend.
We had comedy, football and plenty of fun
Only the rain let us down in the end.
We got served a few smiles in Langton’s;
By Karl and Adam and Gearoid,
Andrew and Colin also popped in;
Many funny stories were told.
Then of to the Ormonde we went,
To see Jason and Milton perform,
With Ian, Josh and Gunther there too
The crowd soon were in giggling form.
Next on our agenda came Catapalooza;
A musical midnight showcase,
With Fred, Joe, Doc and Damo on stage
We soon had a smile on our face.
In spite of bad weather on Sunday,
We made it down to the football.
The ‘Rest of the World’ won in the end,
Though ‘Ireland’ really gave it their all.
‘Twas time for Pecha Kucha then,
With David and Jarlath and Colm
Lloyd and Alex joined the line up too
We enjoyed fun sets from all of ‘em
Sadly that marked the end of our time in Kilkenny,
We saw 19 comedians and had laughs a plenty.
It’s well worth the trip, I recommend you try it,
Just remember your brolley, in case it rains a bit!
So after last weekend’s amazing show of poetry from Mr Stephen Bennett and Mr Michael No, if you missed them, they can be seen here and here, we decided to give the old writing poetry malarky a go ourseleves…….except I couldnt. Well I did give it a go but I am not going to print my poetry here…just yet anyway! So instead I have a treat for all you lovely people. I have scoured the internet and found you some really funny poetry that had me laughing my ass off. Enjoy!
Luke was a hippy, weird and wild;
A real, true, genuine flower child.
Homer Brown had a happy life,
A men’s clothing store, two kids, and a wife.
Homer put a sign in his window one day
Saying “Salesman Wanted, Right Away.”
Luke walked by and viewed the sign
As a way to make money without half trying.
Homer was speechless when Luke the slob
Said, “Hey! You need a salesman, and I need a job!”
When his voice returned he asked Luke real slow,
“Do you really think you can sell men’s clothes?”
Luke said, “Sure, Man! This I know,
I could sell ice to an Eskimo!”
Homer was in a real big bind.
He really didn’t want that kind
Of person in his organization,
But if the guy hollered “discrimination”
He’d be in an even bigger mess.
What to do next he couldn’t even guess.
Then he remembered the suit on the rack.
It was orange and red and yellow and black.
Homer by now was feeling real mean so he
Added a vest that was yellow and green.
He pulled it out from the clothing rack.
Luke took one look and was taken aback.
“What in the world is that?” said Luke.
“This is my salesman testing suit,”
Said Homer with a great big smile.
“It’s been with me for quite awhile.
I’m leaving now for an hour or more.
If you sell the suit, the job is yours.”
Homer smiled again as he closed the door,
Knowing he was off the hook for sure.
When he returned the first thing he saw
Was the hippy, bruised, scratched, bleeding, and raw.
His clothes were in shreds from his knees to his chin,
But on his face was a great big grin.
“I sold the suit! I did it, Man!”
Said Luke. “Hey, boss, you got a new hand!”
“I can’t believe you did that, Luke.
Was the customer happy with the suit?”
“Yeah, man! The customer liked it a bunch.
But his seeing eye dog nearly ate my lunch.”
- Donna Word Chappell (http://www.ellenbailey.com)
One for the ladies….
Ode to a Mammogram
For years and years they told me, “Be careful of your breasts.”
Don’t ever squeeze or bruise them, and give them monthly tests.
So, I heeded all their warnings…..and protected them by law….
Guarded them very carefully, and always wore a bra.
After 10 years of careful care, the doctor found a lump.
He ordered up a mammogram to look inside that clump.
“Stand up very close,” the nurse said, as she got my tit in line,
“And tell me when it hurts,” she said. “Ah, yes….that’s just fine.”
She stepped upon a pedal….I could not believe my eyes,
A plastic plate was pressing down….My boob was in a vice….
My skin was stretched and stretched from way up by my chin,
And my poor tit was being squashed to Swedish pancake thing……
Excruciating pain I felt, within it’s vice-like grip,
A prisoner in this vicious thing…..My poor defenseless tit……
“Take a deep breath” she said to me. Who does she think she’s kidding?
My chest is smashed in her machine, I can’t breathe and woozy I am getting!
“There, that was good” I heard her say, as the room was slowly swaying.
“Now let’s get the other one.”……..”Lord have mercy,” I was praying.
It squeezed me from the up and down, it squeezed me from both sides,
I’ll bet she never has this done to HER tender little hide.
If I had no problem when I first came in, I surely have one now……
If there had been a cyst in there, it would have popped Ker-Pow!
This machine was made by a MAN, of this I have no doubt…..
I’d like to get his balls in there…..for months he’d go WITHOUT!
And finally a poem on the dangers of shopping online….
We’ve been extremely poor of late
and struggling to afford
anything that I would say I’d rate
beyond the common horde.
And then we finally sold our car
and could afford a treat
We couldn’t stretch the moolah far
but enough to get my feet
a pair of sandals for the sun
to wear while on the beach
I found some on the internet
within my budget’s reach.
I ordered them with much delight
awaited their delivery
but as time went on and on and on
the weather turned quite shivery
so I thought that by the time they’d come
my beach days would be few
and I’d have no more requirement
for sandals old or new.
But just as I was losing hope
the postman knocked the door
and with an eager merry lope
I rushed to answer for
I thought I’d wear them at last today
and saunter on the sand
but I started to think things weren’t going my way
when I saw what was in his hand.
They’re folded up inside the box
they’re made of something soft
they’re just like silicon sort of socks
I thought as I held aloft
the suspiciously tiny parcel given to me at the door
but my hopes were dashed
when I spied the sandals sized at pre-school four!
Now it’s not as if I ask for much, not very much at all
but why do I have to spend two weeks waiting
for shoes that turn out much too small?
I’ll never trust a websearch again
to lead me to my prize
how was I to know the picture on the screen
was bloomin actual size?
So there ye have it, there are some extremely funny poems out there on the internet if you look hard enough! So….have we inspired you to have a go? I shall be publishing mine soon….I promise! In the meantime why not have a go yourself?
So you know the way there’s always that act at the Eurovision that no matter how intensely you watch them they still don’t seem to make any sense at all? Well the poetry that Mr No has sent us may well evoke a similar ‘What the heck just happened?’ feeling, but it made us laugh so we hope you’ll enjoy it too!
I feel like an American women swimming with dolphins in an ocean of DREAMS!
While my mother from the shore line shouts “Don’t swim to far out son !” but I turn and say “go to hell Mom”
Sitting in the silence
of my disturbed thoughts,
I refused to think about it (go away don’t touch me again?)
I talk, i see, i touch, i pray, i drink and i live
in a constant state of fear!!!
A fear that i did not ask for!!!
But can no longer live without.
But then as the Sun rises in the morning dew !
Across this Dublin city
We hold hands and wipe the sweet from our brows
Then we get a gun and kill a Cow (moo!)
The fiddle player
I once played my fiddle to a beautiful Tree
In a landscape ragged, baron & raw
Mayo rain penetrating the cold Connaught ground
Bow striking string
Sound Sound Sound……..
“stop playing that fiddle u fag!” said Dad
So who is this mysterious wordsmith of questionable sanity who has a very quirky sense of humour? Find out more about Michael No on his facebook page, where he posts pictures of himself like this…
…and of course tells you where he can be found gigging too!